Most couples don't talk about sex. They have it, avoid it, resent it, or wish for more of it—but they don't talk about it.
I see this constantly. A couple will sit across from me, and when I ask what they actually want from their intimate life, there's silence. Not awkwardness exactly—more like they've never been given permission to say it out loud.
That's the opposite of sex-positive communication. And it's costing you.
Sex-positive communication isn't about being loud, performative, or suddenly theatrical in the bedroom. It's about speaking openly, honestly, and specifically about desire, boundaries, and what actually works for both of you—without shame, without performance, without the weight of every conversation becoming A Big Deal.
Let me show you how.
What Sex-Positive Communication Actually Means
First, let's be clear: sex-positive doesn't mean you have to want a lot of sex, or kinky sex, or any particular kind of sex. It means you've removed the shame and secrecy from the conversation.
It means you can say:
- "I'm not in the mood tonight, but I'd like to tomorrow morning."
- "That felt good, but can we try it differently next time?"
- "I've been thinking about something I want to explore."
- "I'm nervous about this, and I need reassurance."
- "I'm bored. Can we shake things up?"
...without either person feeling judged, defensive, or afraid.
Here's what makes this hard: most of us grew up with no model for this. Sex was either not discussed at all, discussed clinically (in health class), or discussed with shame and warning. Your parents probably didn't sit you down and say, "Honey, here's how you talk to your partner about what you actually want."
So you're learning this as an adult. And that's okay. But it requires intention.
The Three Non-Negotiables of Sex-Positive Communication
1. Curiosity over judgment.
If your partner tells you they want something—or doesn't want something—your job is to understand, not to evaluate whether it's "normal" or whether you agree.
Partner: "I don't really want to have sex more than once a week."
Not this: "Why? Is something wrong with me? Other couples do it more."
This: "Tell me more about that. What feels right for you?"
That shift—from defense to curiosity—changes everything. It signals: I'm interested in understanding you, not in winning this argument.
💡 Pro Tip: The Dr. Bloom app includes shared desire tools and conversation starters specifically designed to build this muscle. Use them together during a calm moment—not right before sex, not in the middle of conflict. These tools guide you past the awkwardness and into actual intimacy.
2. Specificity over generality.
"I want more intimacy" is too vague. "I want us to kiss more during foreplay" is actionable.
"You don't seem interested in me" creates defensiveness. "When I initiate on weeknights, you usually say you're tired. I'm feeling rejected. What's going on?" opens a real conversation.
Specificity removes ambiguity and makes it impossible to hide behind interpretation.
3. Gentleness paired with honesty.
Sex-positive doesn't mean brutal honesty without compassion. It means: I care about you AND I'm being truthful.
"Your touch on my breasts doesn't do much for me anymore—I think because of how we've been going through the motions. Can we slow down and reconnect? I miss really being with you."
That's honest. It's also kind. It invites partnership instead of creating shame.
How to Start the Conversation (Without Making It Weird)
You don't need to schedule a "Sex Talk" (though you can, if your relationship thrives on planning). More often, good conversations happen organically because you've built the capacity.
Here's how to build it:
Start small and not in the bedroom.
Talk about sex when you're not about to have it or not having it. Lying in bed after, in the car, over coffee. Not mid-rejection, not mid-argument.
Use a concrete trigger.
"I read something today about [thing], and I was curious what you'd think about it." Movies, articles, podcasts, or conversations with friends can all be entry points. They're less personal than "Can we talk about our sex life?" and they give you a frame.
Acknowledge the awkwardness and move through it.
"This feels awkward to say, and I'm going to say it anyway because I value you: I'd like us to explore more foreplay." That sentence does two things—it normalizes the discomfort and models courage.
Ask permission and reciprocate.
"Can I share something about what I want? And then I'd love to hear from you." This isn't an interrogation; it's a conversation.
💡 Pro Tip: If you keep trying and the conversation keeps stalling, the Dr. Bloom app's daily check-ins can help you practice these skills in smaller moments. Building the communication habit makes the bigger conversations easier.
The Mistake That Kills Sex-Positive Communication
Using these conversations as a Trojan horse for criticism.
Don't say, "I want to communicate better" and then immediately pivot to everything your partner does wrong in bed. That will shut down the conversation faster than anything else.
Sex-positive communication first builds safety. Critique comes later, after trust is established.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if my partner shuts down when I try to talk about sex?
Shutdown usually means fear or shame—not disinterest. Try smaller steps: "I know this is uncomfortable for both of us. That's okay. Let's just try one sentence each." Consider asking what's scary about it. Sometimes it's not sex itself; it's fear of judgment, or shame from their past, or worry that their desire doesn't match yours. Address the actual fear, not the resistance.
Isn't sex-positive communication just giving my partner whatever they want?
No. Sex-positive communication includes saying no. "That's not something I want to try" is a complete, valid sentence. The difference is you say it without shame, without punishment, and without making your partner feel broken for asking. And you explore why you're saying no (safety, values, just don't want to) so they understand it's not about them.
How do I bring this up if we've never talked about sex openly?
Start by naming that truth: "I realized we don't really talk about sex, and I think that's part of why things feel distant. I want to change that." You're not criticizing them; you're inviting them into something new. Make it collaborative. And start with appreciation: "I love [specific thing about our sex life], and I'd like to explore more."
What if we want different things?
Then you negotiate. That's what sex-positive communication is—two people with different desires figuring out what works for both of you. Some desires might be non-negotiable; some are flexible. Some things one partner wants but the other doesn't can still happen occasionally. Some won't. You can't know what's possible until you talk.
Sex-positive communication doesn't require you to be adventurous, confident, or especially sexual. It requires you to be willing to be honest and to listen without defensiveness.
That's it. Everything else builds from there.
For more on this, check out our guide on overcoming sexual shame in long-term relationships.
Dr. Bloom helps couples move from silence to intimacy through guided, judgment-free communication. Try free →